Shakespeare fancast: Romeo and Juliet
Romeo is hung up on Rosalind, and she’s bummed that Rosalind doesn’t know she exists. Benvolio, most loyal of friends, wants to cheer her up, and Mercutio comes up with the idea of sneaking into the Capulet party. Putting lives in danger is a great way to have fun, according to her. So off they go, and Romeo catches sight of Juliet at the party. When Romeo expertly scales Juliet’s garden wall later that night, she catches Juliet thinking about her! Juliet is engaged to be married to some guy named Paris, but a) Juliet is a lesbian, and b) Juliet is in love with Romeo. They plan to escape to Mantua, where a ban on gay marriage has recently been declared unconstitutional. But Tybalt discovers Juliet’s affair with Romeo, their family’s mortal enemy, and she and her fiery temper can’t stand by and let this happen. After a huge fight in the streets, Romeo ends up killing Tybalt in an attempt to protect Benvolio from Tybalt’s rage. Romeo is banished to, lo and behold, Mantua. Juliet knows, and has always known, that her family will not simply let her leave, and neither will Paris. For a while now, she has been planning a way to fake her own death. When the time is right, she sends a messenger to Romeo in the dead of night to inform her of the plan. Paris suspects, though, Juliet’s unfaithful passion, and he intercepts the messenger. After discovering the message (which informs him that his fiancée is a lesbian who is love with Romeo Montague and is planning to fake her own death just to escape a marriage), Paris kills the messenger in a fit of rage and then crafts a false note of reception, which he sends back to Juliet. Thinking that her plan is known to her lover, Juliet takes the herbs that send her into a false state of death, her funeral is held, and she lies in the family’s mausoleum waiting for Romeo to take her away to Mantua and a marriage clerk. Romeo discovers her death through the talk of the town, and she, distraught, visits the tomb. Paris is waiting for her there and intends to kill her. Little does he know, Romeo is the most skilled swordsman in Verona, and she dispatches him easily. When she enters the tomb and comes upon Juliet’s corpse, she is so distraught that she doesn’t notice Paris, whom she left alive, creeping up behind her. Paris slits her throat just as Juliet awakes. Furious and distraught, Juliet takes Romeo’s dagger and stabs Paris through the heart before she does the same to herself. For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
In which a bunch of ladies play the main cast of Romeo and Juliet in a story that doesn’t make any temporal sense, and everything is ruined by a dude who is pissed that his dick can’t convert a lesbian to heterosexuality.
Juliet Capulet: Natalie Dormer
Romeo Montague: Crystal Reed
Benvolio Montague: Kat Graham
Mercutio: Kat Dennings
Tybalt Capulet: Michelle Rodriguez
Found this ad in a Nickelodeon magazine from 2004.
© Malena Valcárcel